Motherhood: My Dream Come True... Right?

I am nearly three weeks into being a mom and I have been very surprised shocked at how I feel about this whole motherhood thing so far. As long as I can remember I have dreamed of being a mom and having a family to love and care for.  I never imagined the frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, grief, and mourning that I would be experiencing.  Don't get me wrong, I knew I would be tired, but I didn't know I would have such difficulty balancing personal hygiene and eating something while taking care of a baby. And I didn't realize how the lack of sleep would effect me emotionally.

A few days ago I found myself mourning and grieving my life before baby. We planned for this, we wanted a family, why then am I longing for my pre-baby life? "I am a horrible person" I thought, or even worse, a horrible mother. I have now spent a whole week with my daughter just the two of us while Daddy is back to work and family has returned to their normal routines and I'm sorry, but I didn't love it. The more moms that I talk to the more I hear "what you're feeling is perfectly normal" but then I wonder, "how come I have not heard about this from many people then?" Yes I have heard about the extreme of postpartum depression that happens in some women, but not this normalcy of baby blues.

These are the times I cherish most. When she is sleeping, preferably somewhere other than on me so that I feel like I can actually have my own life. Before having my own baby I would have looked at her and think how adorable and precious she is, but now I look at her sleeping and think "please, please, do not wake up screaming your head off at any moment."

 

Before becoming a mother myself I would look at a picture of mother and baby sleeping and think how special and miraculous it was. Truth be told, I forced myself to take this picture in hopes that one day I will look back on it that way. What I was honestly feeling during this picture was "Why did she have to fall asleep on my arm. I need to shower, but if I move her I know she'll wake up within minutes. Ugh... guess I'll just stay here. No shower for now I guess."

 Now look at this face. Adorable right? Looking at her smiling face now, I do think it is adorable. At the time though, before she had smiled, she was simply looking up at me. As I stared down at her all I could think was, "I should probably be talking to you, or singing to you, or something." But I couldn't get myself to do any of those things, I had no desire to do any of those things. Instead I prayed. I prayed out loud to my Father in Heaven who knows me better than anyone else. The God who blessed me with such a gift. I figured that praying would help give me peace, and frankly, Alexis doesn't know the difference anyhow. She could hear my voice and probably assumed I was in fact talking to her.

 After her 2 week wellness check (8lbs and 21.5 inches long. 39th percentile for weight and 92nd for height) our pediatrician found that she had a thrush infection in her mouth. It is basically a form of a yeast infection that can irritate babies when they eat or use a pacifier. The solution? A medication that I have to paint onto her tongue, inside her cheeks, and roof of her mouth. Oh, and it had to be bright purple of all colors and stains clothing and skin. My baby looks like an alien...

 I watch my cousin's stepdaughter Mara after school and she has expressed her desire for Alexis to be "more fun." I agree with her. I long for the day when Alexis can lay on this play mat and stay entertained for at least 5 minutes (this only lasted about 30 seconds, long enough to get a picture). I long for the day when she can sit up on her own and I don't have to rely on swings, bouncers, or my arms to hold her. 

 This morning I stayed in bed until 9:30am. My hubby let me take advantage of our sleeping babe with him in bed and I was able to shower. Not just shower, but I was able to actually wash my hair, STYLE my hair for the first time in a week, and shave my legs for the first time in a week. When I came out of the bathroom they were both still sleeping soundly so I was able to come downstairs, eat breakfast, make some hot chocolate, and get her bath ready for when she got up. I even had some spare time to catch up on reading blogs and getting one of my own written!

Now, I know this blog may have come off as somewhat negative. And honestly, negativity was all I've been feeling lately. However, I am singing a little different tune today. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Greg was incredibly helpful with her last night (he has been working til 8pm all week so I haven't asked too much of him when it comes to helping with her in the middle of the night). It is much nicer doing this with him, the three of us, which I guess is what it is meant to be.

Everyone keeps telling me "it will get better" and I know it will and that soon this will be my new normal. I can't wait for the day when all I want to do is stare at her face and talk to her or sing to her, for the day when I can't wait to just snuggle with her in bed, and for the day when I can fully see this mom thing for what it is, a blessing. I think I need to get comfortable with her as my little buddy, my partner I am doing life with now, because all day long it really is just the two of us. I'm sure later on in life I will cherish this time that she and I had together. And I can finally say this morning that, yes it is getting better.

Not a Big Fan of Pumpkins

I had grand plans of taking Alexis to a pumpkin patch before Halloween, but now that she is here I have no desire to take that type of an outing with a 2 week old. Instead, my cousin and his wife invited us over to their house to carve pumpkins the other night. They purchased a pumpkin large enough for us to put Alexis inside...

Yeah... she didn't like being inside the pumpkin so much. Not the adorable "Anne Geddes-like" picture  I had imagined, but the crying uncontrollably look will make for some good memories :)

Don't you just love fall?

Greg carving our pumpkin

Mara carving her pumpkin

 Mara is my cousin's step daughter and she is seven years old. She goes to school down the street from where we live and I watch her after school four days a week. She is a sweet girl and is getting more comfortable having Alexis around. I think she'll end up being a great help to me!

 I had to get in on the pumpkin gutting action, even though it was tempting just to hold onto our sweet girl most of the evening.

Daddy, daughter, and their pumpkin

Our Natural Childbirth Experience

When Greg and I found out we were pregnant we knew we wanted a midwife for the birth, but thought that we would deliver at the hospital "just to be safe." Our orientation with the midwifery group was at the birth center and after touring and learning about the set up there we both felt comfortable with delivering at the birth center instead of the hospital.

On Monday, October 8th, at 2am I began experiencing contractions. This being my first pregnancy I was paranoid about "crying wolf" so I told Greg we should just try to get as much rest as we could before we made any calls. I always pictured my water breaking and that I would know for certain that I was in labor, but that wasn't the case. Around 6am my contraction were regular at about 7 minutes apart. We waited until 7am to call our midwife and she told us to keep her updated until contractions were 2-3 minutes apart. We called Greg's mom Mona to let her know that we were in labor (she lives in Tillamook and would have about a 3 hour drive). I waited to call my parents until 8am and my mom was upset that I had waited so long ha ha. Mona and my parents both arrived to our home around noon.

I continued to labor upstairs and got myself into the shower to wash my hair and shave my legs (I figured it might be a while after the birth until I could do that again). I felt as though our contractions were stalling at about 4 minutes apart so we all decided to go on a walk in the beautiful sunshine. We maybe got 50meters when my contractions became so strong I knew there was no way I was going for a walk. Once back at the house Greg timed my contractions for an hour and they were consistently 2-3 minutes apart. We called our midwife and she had us come in to the birth center.

Leaving our house around 3pm. 

Outside the birth center

When we got to the birth center they checked my progress and I was 6cm dilated and 100% effaced. They suggested we go for a walk around the birth center to help progress. 

This was the path we walked on and I labored on for about an hour.

When they checked our progress again I was 7cm dilated and our midwife Miriam suggested I get in the tub to help me relax throughout the contractions.

Our room

Bathroom connected to the room

 I labored in the tub for about an hour or so, but my midwife wanted me to get out to empty my bladder. Surprisingly enough the toilet was a nice laboring tool for me for another hour or so. In our childbirth classes our Doula mentioned that the toilet was a great place to labor, but I didn't believe her until it worked so well for us. Greg pulled a small stool up and sat directly in front of me and helped me through each contraction. He was a complete dream during the whole thing. He was so focused and supportive, I cannot imagine having a better birth coach.

Our midwife checked my progress once again and my water broke as she did so. She suggested I start pushing at that point.

 After 3 hours of pushing (approximately 6:30pm-9:52pm) she arrived. They put her directly onto me and did not move her from me until around midnight. It was so wonderful to have her in my arms and not have her taken away to be weighed, measured, and cleaned. She was all our's and we got to spend those crucial first minutes and hours together as a family.

It was incredible, as soon as Greg started talking she turned her head to look at him.

I was thrilled that Greg was excited to have skin to skin time with her. I knew it was just as important for her to smell him as it was for her to smell me.

They didn't even move her from my bed to weigh and measure her. 7lbs 4oz and 19 inches long

 They did not bathe her at the birth center. They said that we could do that there if we wanted, but they had wiped her off well enough that we decided to wait until we got home. At 2am, four hours after delivery and 24 hours after my contractions started we were released to go home. We were in bed by 3am and she slept soundly on top of my chest (I was out like a light as well) until 6am when she woke up to nurse.

Two days after she was born, our nurse Janell came and weighed and measured her again, gave her vaccination, and took her footprints. Janell also followed up with me about breast feeding and answered any questions we had. It was so nice to have the nurse come follow up with us at home instead of us having to go in to the doctor's office.

I'm not gonna lie, natural childbirth was A LOT OF WORK, and something that even 24 hours later I could not look back on fondly. A week later I am finally to the point where I have a true appreciation for it. My cousin had text messaged me shortly after and said, "God got you through it" and all I could say back was "He alone got me through it!" How empowering though, to think about such pain and labor, to pay such a price, but then to receive a miraculous gift at the end of it all. I feel like I have that much more of an understanding of God and how He loves His children unconditionally and would do anything for them, even send His son to die on a cross.

Alexis' First Week

I can hardly believe our little girl has already been a part of our lives for a full week. I find the days just passing us by when we aren't really doing much at all other than enjoying God's amazing blessing. I have been in such awe of God's perfect plans this week as I look at Alexis and think about how the Lord knew just what He was doing as He grew her in my womb. How can people look at the miracle of life and not believe in our awesome creator? 

Our home has been quite full since Alexis was born. Now it's just Greg, myself, and my mom (she will go home on Sunday). Instead of writing a ton about all the weeks happenings I will let the photos do the talking.

Aunt Linda

Cousins Bryan, Jessica, and Mara

Uncle Ty, Aunt Katrina, and cousin Macie

Aunt Nikki and Uncle Eric

My Dad picked up my Great Aunt Ruth to come visit. Four generations of the Adams family!

Erin, my best friend from college came to meet Alexis too

Cozy in Uncle Brandon's arms

Great Uncle Greg and cousin Lars weren't comfortable holding her (crazy right?!) so Grandma posed with her.

Macie already loves her cousin 

We went on our first outing to mall 

Her first day of church  

I think we were feeling a little gassy, but look at that grin!

Alexis Shyanne Teune

Our little girl has arrived! Alexis Shyanne Teune was born on Monday, October 8th at 9:52pm. She weighed 7lbs 4oz and was 19inches long. I began having slight contractions at 2am Monday morning. By 8am Greg and I called our parents to let them know it was the "real deal." My parents and Greg's mom arrived around noon and we all hung out our parents hung out, while I labored and Greg helped me get through each contraction. He was the most amazing support through it all.

Around 3pm my contractions were 2-3 minutes apart which is when our midwife recommended we come to the birth center. Once we got to the birth center, I labored until around 6pm when our midwife suggested we start trying to push. I pushed for over 3 hours and honestly did not think I had anything left when she finally made her debut.

Some of our amazing family who came to support us. Dad, Aunt Linda, Mom, Mona , and my cousin Amanda

My incredible husband looking at his little girl

I was in shock that she had hair! Babies in my family are notorious for being baldies until after they turn one. She has her daddy to thank for her dark hair that we assume will turn blond soon like his did.

Precious little girl

Grandma and Grandpa Adams checking out their new granddaughter

Alexis with her Nana

So happy with her daddy

Getting ready to go home

Ready for the car ride

She has only been a part of our lives for less than 72 hours, but has already captured everyone's hearts. I will be posting another blog soon with more details on our natural birth experience at the birth center, but wanted to quickly give an update with pictures for friends and family to see. Time for me to get some shut eye before her next feeding!