Motherhood: My Dream Come True... Right?

I am nearly three weeks into being a mom and I have been very surprised shocked at how I feel about this whole motherhood thing so far. As long as I can remember I have dreamed of being a mom and having a family to love and care for.  I never imagined the frustration, exhaustion, loneliness, grief, and mourning that I would be experiencing.  Don't get me wrong, I knew I would be tired, but I didn't know I would have such difficulty balancing personal hygiene and eating something while taking care of a baby. And I didn't realize how the lack of sleep would effect me emotionally.

A few days ago I found myself mourning and grieving my life before baby. We planned for this, we wanted a family, why then am I longing for my pre-baby life? "I am a horrible person" I thought, or even worse, a horrible mother. I have now spent a whole week with my daughter just the two of us while Daddy is back to work and family has returned to their normal routines and I'm sorry, but I didn't love it. The more moms that I talk to the more I hear "what you're feeling is perfectly normal" but then I wonder, "how come I have not heard about this from many people then?" Yes I have heard about the extreme of postpartum depression that happens in some women, but not this normalcy of baby blues.

These are the times I cherish most. When she is sleeping, preferably somewhere other than on me so that I feel like I can actually have my own life. Before having my own baby I would have looked at her and think how adorable and precious she is, but now I look at her sleeping and think "please, please, do not wake up screaming your head off at any moment."

 

Before becoming a mother myself I would look at a picture of mother and baby sleeping and think how special and miraculous it was. Truth be told, I forced myself to take this picture in hopes that one day I will look back on it that way. What I was honestly feeling during this picture was "Why did she have to fall asleep on my arm. I need to shower, but if I move her I know she'll wake up within minutes. Ugh... guess I'll just stay here. No shower for now I guess."

 Now look at this face. Adorable right? Looking at her smiling face now, I do think it is adorable. At the time though, before she had smiled, she was simply looking up at me. As I stared down at her all I could think was, "I should probably be talking to you, or singing to you, or something." But I couldn't get myself to do any of those things, I had no desire to do any of those things. Instead I prayed. I prayed out loud to my Father in Heaven who knows me better than anyone else. The God who blessed me with such a gift. I figured that praying would help give me peace, and frankly, Alexis doesn't know the difference anyhow. She could hear my voice and probably assumed I was in fact talking to her.

 After her 2 week wellness check (8lbs and 21.5 inches long. 39th percentile for weight and 92nd for height) our pediatrician found that she had a thrush infection in her mouth. It is basically a form of a yeast infection that can irritate babies when they eat or use a pacifier. The solution? A medication that I have to paint onto her tongue, inside her cheeks, and roof of her mouth. Oh, and it had to be bright purple of all colors and stains clothing and skin. My baby looks like an alien...

 I watch my cousin's stepdaughter Mara after school and she has expressed her desire for Alexis to be "more fun." I agree with her. I long for the day when Alexis can lay on this play mat and stay entertained for at least 5 minutes (this only lasted about 30 seconds, long enough to get a picture). I long for the day when she can sit up on her own and I don't have to rely on swings, bouncers, or my arms to hold her. 

 This morning I stayed in bed until 9:30am. My hubby let me take advantage of our sleeping babe with him in bed and I was able to shower. Not just shower, but I was able to actually wash my hair, STYLE my hair for the first time in a week, and shave my legs for the first time in a week. When I came out of the bathroom they were both still sleeping soundly so I was able to come downstairs, eat breakfast, make some hot chocolate, and get her bath ready for when she got up. I even had some spare time to catch up on reading blogs and getting one of my own written!

Now, I know this blog may have come off as somewhat negative. And honestly, negativity was all I've been feeling lately. However, I am singing a little different tune today. I think a lot of it has to do with the fact that Greg was incredibly helpful with her last night (he has been working til 8pm all week so I haven't asked too much of him when it comes to helping with her in the middle of the night). It is much nicer doing this with him, the three of us, which I guess is what it is meant to be.

Everyone keeps telling me "it will get better" and I know it will and that soon this will be my new normal. I can't wait for the day when all I want to do is stare at her face and talk to her or sing to her, for the day when I can't wait to just snuggle with her in bed, and for the day when I can fully see this mom thing for what it is, a blessing. I think I need to get comfortable with her as my little buddy, my partner I am doing life with now, because all day long it really is just the two of us. I'm sure later on in life I will cherish this time that she and I had together. And I can finally say this morning that, yes it is getting better.